Caucasian students struggle with English

By Caleb Patterson

Milwaukee, WI— The Dominican High School English Department orders the book “How to Teach English to White Students” by Cosmo Kramer in order to help them with poor grammatical habits and to raise test scores. With their 67% literacy rate, white students all over America are failing their English courses due to excessive use of slang. For example: “mo” (more), “diss” (harass), and “hating” (jealously), are some of the most commonly used.

DHS junior Jillian Ours believes that this book is offensive and should not be allowed in the school. Jillian’s mother, Bon’Quisha Ours deems this “unacceptable and demeaning to the school in general.” Mrs. Ours continues, “I can have this school shut down before those teachers can spell welfare!” After two weeks of the book being used, the school has received a great deal of feedback from various people. “Sadaam had this same problem!” comments former President George Bush; “It’s downright wrong” agrees Hollywood socialite Paris Hilton. This scandal has caused many people to frown upon the school’s prestigious name.

English teacher Mr. Ben Weiler explains: “The white race has been struggling with this for years now; ever since 1865 students have not been able to write in complete sentences– this is nothing new.” The English department has tried many strategies, but they have all failed miserably. “This was our last option” adds Ms. Moira Sennett, DHS English teacher. “It must be exceedingly coincidental that I was bestowed with the aptitude to write well; it can not be because of my African American heritage, could it?” questioned DHS junior Breon Jordan.

Other ethnicities are refusing to believe the legitimacy of these results, but test scores have proven otherwise. Whitefish Bay police officer, Don Imus, states “I believe that this will improve in the future. If more Caucasian students were focused on school, the crime rate would probably decrease as well.”