by Ti Windisch

It was an unforgettable moment for Dominican Basketball fans when the boys won the state title on Saturday, March 17^th. There was an unbelievable fan presence both at the game, on the fan bus ride home, and later as all the players finally arrived at Dominican. Well, almost all of them. Somehow amongst the yelling and cheering, Junior Forward Patrick Feldmeier missed the team bus home and was stranded in Madison.

According to various players on the team, Feldmeier was separated from the team by a large crowd in the lobby of the Kohl Center, and was unable to reconnect with the rest of the victorious squad. According to fellow junior Adam O’Neill, Feldmeier left “to try and score some Dippin’ Dots for the ride back”. Coach Paul Wollersheim then ushered the rest of the players onto the bus, which because of the large attendance for all of the games was forced to move away from the doors. The bus was then seen leaving for Dominican High School, so the players could greet excited classmates and fans.

When asked for comment on who’s fault Feldmeier’s being stranded was, Junior Max Pignotti claimed “I don’t want to point anybody out in specific, but we had a clear buddy system, and Adam and Patrick were assigned to be buddies.” When asked about the buddy system, O’Neill yelled “Oh yeah!”, quickly raised the roof and left the interview.

As of press time, Feldmeier’s exact whereabouts are still unknown. His cell phone and wallet were on the team’s bus, and he has no known contacts or connections in Madison. If any readers spot Feldmeier on the street, they are pleased asked to immediately call Athletic Director and Varsity Basketball coach Paul Wollersheim at (414) 332-1170, ext 193. It is not advisable to directly approach Feldmeier, as he is probably scared and sleep deprived, and may act threatened.

Group of Dominican Students Discover Graduate Hiding Walls of Theater

By Luke Zembrowski

A Dominican graduate was discovered hiding in the wall of the theater Saturday March 31 during a reported game of “extreme hide and seek”.

The group of sophomores that reported the location of the graduate was shocked to find the graduate still in the walls after five years. Upon being found the former student simply asked, “Did I win?”

Investigation of the site revealed a sofa, 32-inch flat screen television, and some kitchen utensils. The students continued searching the walls and discovered 50 other graduates that had converted the theater walls into a make shift apartment building.

Among the sophomores that discovered the complex was Morgan Bradford who said, “I was surprised at first, but I thought more about it and it seems like they never really left.”

The alum that was first discover was a class of 2007 member that wishes to remain known as Anon Ymouse, was near the hidden entrance waiting for a pizza delivery and asked simply to not have to move out.

Renters reportedly pay around $230 a month, well below average for apartment rent, for one bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom with full access to the theater.

The sophomores reported the incident to administration, which evicted the tenants, made claim on the rooms as “Dominican High School property”, and sold several rooms at the auction for nearly four times the amount of monthly rent value per apartment.

An official comment was released saying, “It is time that the students move on, or out to be more accurate, and the students that got evicted will be forced to live either at home or at the college dorms.”

Ymouse in defense of the living arrangements said, “With how much time students spend at Dominican we basically live there, so me and the boys decided to make it official. The trick was getting the main office to sort and hide our mail for so long.”

By EJ Spencer

On April 1, 2012 current Dominican High School English teacher Ben Weiler revealed his double life as comedian Pen Jillette.

Pen Jillette has been made famous for his performances with his silent comedic partner Teller. Teller takes a vow of silence during his comedy performances but outside he uses his voice to teach students at Dominican High School.

Christian Tomsey admitted to being the “quiet little man” and stated “ordinarily Penn—whom you students know as Weiler—does the talking for both of us so it is nice to be able to use my voice. Unfortunately students never listen to what I say which is why I choose to make my voice more reclusive which gives off the impression that I am judging them. I am in fact judging them but that is beside the point. By this time the students reading this have stopped caring about what I have to say so I will leave you with big words like obsequious and vacuous and will once again take a vow of silence.”

Weiler was asked why he decided to take on two careers simultaneously; he responded by saying “I am the best. I can have two running careers at the same time, a lovely family, appear on the Celebrity Apprentice every Sunday at 8:00PM, and manage my Pumas on the softball field. Did I mention I can juggle? Basically I am a beast. I am a puma.”

Tomsey was asked to comment on Weilers statement. Tomsey said “…” He went on to say “…”

Senior student Heather Stern was asked by Mr. Weiler to say how amazing and accomplished he is. Stern said “My grade depends on this. He told me to say he is the best teacher in this dimension and that no one can ever reach his level.”

Weiler had left the interview to record next weeks Celebrity Apprentice episode before he could answer the last question so we asked his comedic partner and long time best friend Christian “Teller” Tomsey to take his place. We asked Tomsey how he personally feels about Weiler and his self proclaimed talent. Tomsey said “…” and Stern agrees.

By Quinn Porter

Mrs. Krzykowski was arrested last week for allegedly breaking the thumbs of a student in the Dominican High School library because they owed her $15 cents.

“It gets real bad this time of year,” said officer Brown, “overdue fines start to pile up and librarians need to collect their due.”  There were no witnesses on the scene, despite it being a study hall period.

Police arrived on the scene to find Krzyowski behind her desk in the library.  After quietly reading her Miranda rights, they took Krzyowski into their squad car.  “We see this kind of thing all the time,” said officer Gomez, ”She’ll make off with good behavior.  Knowing her connections, she’ll probably be back within a week.”

Mrs. Krzykowski said in response to the charges, “I’ve told them time and time again to pay their fines.”

Historians say that librarians have been doing this for centuries because in order to be taken seriously by debtors.  One source, that wished to remain anonymous from the public, said that Mrs. K has been affiliated with local gangs around the area.  They also say that Krzyowski has been doing this for years.

Senior Connor Schwartz had a knee earlier this year, and also owed Mrs. K. $12 cents.  Back in the fall, freshmen Angel Bahena had an ankle injury—with an overdue copy of “Black Boy.”  Last year, Sophomore Sydney Manista broke her wrist, it was later found out she also owed Mrs. K. seven cents.

Mr. Russell recently fractured his thumb, but also owed Mrs. K. five cents for an overdue copy of Sports Illustrated. When asked about his thumb, Mr. Russell glanced at his cast, and then refused to comment.

By Elizabeth Mueller

March 1, 2012- A DHS junior, Jacob Young, has been forced to check into chicken rehab after an accident that occurred earlier this weekend at Bayshore’s Buffalo Wild Wings. Young, who had drank too much Mountain Dew, got thrown out of BW3s after getting into a heated argument with the waitress for putting the wrong sauce on his boneless wings.

“He has been living on the edge for too long now. It is about time he received some help.” said fellow classmate and junior Brandon Quinn. “As our friend and fellow goon squad member, we will be here for him throughout his process of recovery.” Quinn said. Another classmate of Young’s, Aliyah Watkins said “Jacob is a wonderful kid. But lately his addiction has gotten the best of him. Now he will only hang out with me if I go get chicken with him. And I always have to be the one to pay.” said Watkins.

Often blamed for encouraging Young’s sick addiction to chicken is DHS faculty member Mr. Tom Mueller. “I was afraid it would someday come to this. He was such a good kid. What happened?” said Mueller. “I do feel guilty for supplying him with the chicken to feed his addiction, but I am thankful to know that he is now receiving help. Not all hope is lost! Let us hope his recovery is successful.” said Mueller.

Young is currently checked into Life After Popeyes: Center for Chicken Abusers and Hoarders, and while he is unable for comment, Mama Keller released a statement to public on Young’s behalf. Young said “I apologize for any pain and suffering I may have caused to any of my classmates or teachers. I realize now that I have become a danger to my peers and loved ones and now strive to get my addiction under control.” Young concluded saying “I hope to come out winning.”

By Annie Murphy

The “Eggplant” is Dominican Newspaper’s parody of the popular newspaper, “The Onion.” As a staff, we brainstorm ideas that relate to local satire within Dominican and the local community. Many interesting situations have occurred throughout this year so far, so enjoy looking around at the stories we have come up with!

Editors from dhsknightly news.

This news parody will stay posted for a while in celebration of April Fools Day; however, for more up to date news check out www.dhsknightlynews.com/content2

By Tess Gronski

Tom Nungent: Missing

To begin the school year of 2010-2011, the lunch service of Dominican High School announced it would be replacing some of their food with healthier options. To their surprise, unsatisfied students responded forcefully.

On Wednesday March 30, 2011, it was reported anonymously to Dominican High School authorities that Tom Nugent, from food service, was take hostage in an attempt to abolish the healthy transformation in the cafeteria. Suspicions rest heavily on the student body, but there are a few suspected teachers as well.

An anonymous student says, “I saw one of the lunch tables looking guiltily at the lunch line today.” The holder is requesting that Bosco sticks, the cafeteria’s cheesy bread sticks, be added back to the menu, or they will continue to hold Nugent hostage. While the high calorie delicacy is a high price to ask for, food service employees are trying desperately to negotiate with the holder. No official plans have been made, but the holder seems to be very stubborn with their greasy request.

Previous acts of rebellion have occurred throughout the year leading up to this excitement. Many students have been caught stealing the “fresh” fruit cups and stashing them in their lockers. One student guilty of doing so, asks to remain anonymous, but says “we liked the lunch food the way it was, and we know our methods of retaliation will work eventually.”

Cookies have gone missing in large quantities ever since the lunch program returned to their smaller version of the once popular chocolate chip cookies. The previously mentioned student adds somberly, “the cookies are smaller than last year, and there are significantly less chocolate chips.” While a handful of chocolate chips may not seem like much, many students view this as just the beginning.The student adds, “the next thing you know the only option will be sugar cookies.”

A few more rebellious students snuck into the cafeteria during second slot of Wednesday March 30th to vandalize the misleading “helpful nutrition facts” propaganda poster. Which ironically boasts six hundred calorie meals and sweets. There are also rumors of a food fight later this week during the sophomore and freshman lunch period. Dean of Students, Brian Geittmann, says this rebellious war has gone on too long, “and necessary action will take place in order to calm the nerves of students.” He was unable to provide further details on punishments. It is also unclear at this time whether police will get involved.

The student body is hungry for change and they have made it clear that such healthy food will not be tolerated and the nutrition rebellion will not die down. Hopefully this serious issue will soon be settled peacefully.

By Elizabeth Wycklendt

After the disappearances of Lea Michele and Chris Colfer, cast members from the popular television program Glee, the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) began questioning the children of Kidz Bop. Feuding between the two groups began after the immediate success of Glee in late May 2009.

Missing posters of Lea Michele and Chris Colfer have been posted all across the LA area.

Gossip magazines have been claiming that the Glee cast has been receiving threaten letters for over a year. Cory Monteith, who plays Finn Hudson on Glee, stated “We never really took the letters seriously. I mean we thought it was a joke because the spelling was so off.”  The FOX Broadcasting Company has recently released a portion of one of the letters that was sent to the Glee cast, “Your refusal to cancel your program is unwise decision.  If no immediate action iz taken to end the program, we will end it ourselvez. U have been warned.”

Kevin Reilly, the president of FOX, stated “Every year we receive hundreds of letters demanding some of our shows to be back on the air or cancelled, but nothing like this has ever happened.” The LAPD questioned the kids of Kidz Bop almost a year ago, but the kids denied all accusations. The LAPD advised the cast members of Glee to ignore the letters and continue to air their show because they believed that the letters were harmless. As the letters became more demanding, the LAPD sent in experts to decode the letters being sent; a reexamination of the kids from Kidz Bop was highly recommended. When talking to the police, the several of the kids were implying that two of the singers, Justin Time (10) and Hannah Banana (9), may know more about the disappearances than they are willing to admit.

When asked to retire from the Kidz Bop franchise Time and Banana refused to leave, claiming that they are the “heart and soul” behind the music. Contrary to their high opinions of themselves, Time and Banana have been known to unprofessional during recording sessions by showing up intoxicated or high.

After several desperate attempts to regain their fans through Christmas and Eater albums, Kidz Bop nearly shut down; Time and Banana became more unprofessional during this time. Inside sources have said that Time and Banana tortured the manager repeatedly until he agreed to give them and Kidz Bop another chance.

Shortly after the unsuccessful release of Kidz Bop 43, Michele and Colfer were reported missing and Time and Banana appeared strangely happy. Time and Banana claimed that the reason behind their happiness was because they recently completed the Alcohol Anonymous twelve step program. After a recent report of two hung-over children, a trashy young girl in a sequence tube top and a “want-to-be gangster” boy, stealing boxes of wine the LAPD arrested Time and Banana; the LAPD will further question Time and Banana in next few days.

Missing posters of Lea Michele and Chris Colfer have been posted all across the LA area.